Mount Zion National Park: Angel’s Landing

On a reconnaissance mission we had to climb the heavens to get a better view of America. We found the amazing view we were looking for on the Angel’s Landing hike at Mount Zion National Park in Springdale, Utah.

We slept well under the stars in our large 8 person tent after filling up on Polygamy Porter, a Utah microbrew (Why have just one?), and smores around the campfire. The next morning we woke up prepared for a 5 mile that hike took us up 1800 feet via non-stop switchbacks and required all of our agility while traversing climbs up 3 foot wide paths with death looming in the form of a 6300 foot fall on either side. We pulled ourselves up the mountain at times using chains nailed into the rock. The top of Angel’s Landing provided a place for us to take a quick nap in the sun and appreciate one of the many beautifully serene places our country has to offer. Recharged with sun and sandwiches we took a few more pictures from our high perch on the mountain that we used to plot our course north through Utah.

Thanks to Tim and Troy for recommending the park and hike.

Jimmy Kimmel Live: Billy F*cking Idol

Still licking our wounds and grimacing while holding our tummies after the massive meal at Pinks Hotdogs in LA, we decided we needed to rest longer before hitting the road again. We were snatched while walking on Hollywood Blvd and whisked into the Jimmy Kimmel Live Show on ABC to be part of the audience because of our standout good looks. Brendan and Lindsey were seated in the front row of the show so the director had some attractive people to cut to going in and out of commercial breaks.

His guests for the show were:

Adam Carolla (The Hammer on DVD)
Rominey Malco (40 Year Old Virgin and The Love Guru)
Peter Berg (Director of Hancock with Will Smith) Using the Burger King menu to grade the show, we thought it was a Jr. Whopper (no cheese) until the musical guest Billy Idol performed. The show took a break until the sun went down and picked back up in the theater’s parking lot where a huge stage had been constructed. Billy Idol took the stage and performed a new song “John Wayne” and his classic “Rebel Yell” for the show.

He continued to play a few other songs from his new Best Of album and then rocked through some classic rock covers too. He kicked ass because he is Billy F*ing Idol. Sufficiently rejuvenated by the rock concert, we said goodbye to Lindsey and set off in Dr. Feelgood heading back East.

Get It Sold: LA Condo

In the foreign land of Los Angeles, California our heroes found a friendly East Coast face (and free room) with our friend/willing hostess Lindsey. Unphased by our warnings of the ‘Van Man Musk’ that comes as a package deal with our crew she still opened her doors. She even helped combat the travel smells we’ve picked up along the way by letting us use her laundry facilities and teaching us how to operate a steamer to press our clothes that were too wrinkled to wear out to any LA clubs. She also acted as our ambassador to the West Coast by leading us all over town to get Mexican food, see Hollywood, find Pink’s Famous Hotdogs and introduced us to the Pacific Ocean. If this sounds like an amazing 24 hours of living in LA style to you, the same opportunities can be yours (minus having a great host) because Lindsey is selling her downtown condo and moving back to DC. Help her out and buy the condo already.

Click here to see the real estate listing on Lindsey’s fabulous downtown LA condo

The condo has an open floorplan with wood floors, stainless steel appliances, in-unit washer and dryer (included), frosted glass sliding doors and balcony. Vero features one of the best gyms of any downtown condo and/or loft development, complete with men's and women's saunas! Pool, spa, yoga studio, 24 hour concierge, upscale lobby and 2 parking spaces. Available furnished at additional cost.

Features important to cross-country travels:

Blocks from downtown LA
Sleeps 5 in the living room
Able to accommodate 6 showers in under 90 minutes
Steamer available for pressing ‘going out clothes’
Washer / Dryer strong enough to handle dirty Grand Canyon/Colorado River clothes
Concierge that doubles as a tour guide
Covered Parking Garage that provides a nice home for Dr Feelgood or any other car
Close proximity to Mexican Food and Mexican Beverages
Oven, Microwave, Kitchen Sink, Lights, Door, Yada, Yada, Yada

Special Limited Time Offer:
Comes with a free pair of men’s black dress shoes (Size 10 ½)

Culinary Capers - Pink's Hotdogs... Suicide Mission

Dead. All dead.

Or at least our heroes were shut down in a food coma for the next 24 hours after eating at the famous Pink’s Hotdogs in Hollywood, CA. They patiently staked out the hotdog stand that has been serving up wieners in Hollywood for the past 69 years. After an hour and fifteen minutes of menu surveillance, we stepped up to the counter and entered the all beef zone. The memory of our waitress was tested with our order but our gastronomic capacity was put to a true test when she returned with two trays of fully loaded hotdogs.

Surrounded with our backs against the wall, our only option was to eat our way out of this beefy predicament. Undaunted, our heroes overcame the hotdog suicide mission albeit wounded in the gut and deeply in need of antacids.

Here is the hotdog rundown:

Matt:
Millennium Hotdog: 12 Inch Jalapeno Dog topped with chili, onions, tomatoes and guacamole
Coleslaw Dog: Standard hotdog topped with coleslaw and BBQ sauce

Dan:
Martha Stewart: 12 Inch hotdog topped with saurkrawt, grilled onions, bacon, tomatoes, mustard and sour cream
Chili Cheese Dog: Standard hotdog with chili and nacho cheese

Mark:
Millennium: 12 Inch Jalapeno Dog topped with chili, onions, tomatoes and guacamole
Stretch Chili Dog: 10 Inch hotdog topped with chili, onions and nacho cheese

Brendan:
Lord of the Rings: 10 Inch stretch hotdog with onion rings and BBQ sauce
Chili Cheese Dog: Standard hotdog with chili and nacho cheese

Chris:
Stretch Chili Dog: 10 Inch hotdog topped with chili, onions and nacho cheese
Spicy Polish Dog: Polish sausage topped with chili, onions and nacho cheese

Lindsey:
Turkey Dog: Standard sized turkey dog with ketchup.

Jock Time: Muscle Beach

The Culinary Capers posts have far outnumbered our Jock Time posts to date on the trip. When we reached finally reached the West Coast, our belts were nearing their last hole and Captain America’s suit was fitting pretty snugly. To blend in with the beautiful people in LA, we hit Santa Monica’s Muscle Beach to work off some of our BBQ sandwiches, steak dinners, camping hotdogs and 11 days worth of many Bronson nights.

We climbed a 30 foot rope and swung on a rings course to embiggen our biceps and back muscles in a sun soaked workout. We took a stroll in the Pacific Ocean to strengthen our lower body by plodding through the waves. Understanding that in LA perception is more important than substance, we spent more time working on our body building poses in front of the Muscle Beach sign than we did actually exercising.

Que Rocky Training Montage Music and get ready to be inspired…

Grand Canyon National Park: Glamour Shots

The real Grand Canyon National Park is a desert canyonland in Arizona where the sun is more oppressive than Mr Furley from Three's Company. Forced to decide between viewing one of the Seven Wonders of the Natural World in person or viewing the Grand Canyon as a canvas backdrop behind us at Glamour Shots in Glendale, AZ, we chose to get pictures of ourselves indoors. Air Conditioning is one of the Seven Wonders of the Convenient World that would afford us to pose in great pictures without worrying about sweatstains.

We had to walk 3 levels in the mall to find Glamour Shots because the elevators and escalators were out of order but it was well worth it. We stopped off at an Orange Julius on the 2nd floor of the mall for refreshing citrus beverages. The photographer was a pro and she kept us entertained with puppets she made talk from behind the camera.

The photographer told jokes to make Chris smile:

Photographer: Knock Knock
Chris: Who's there?
Photographer: Canyon
Chris: Canyon who?
Photographer: Can-yon leave me a nice tip.



The photographer gave us a choice of Grand Canyon backdrops:

The only way to take a bad picture at Grand Canyon Glamour Shots was if you closed your eyes when the flash went off.

This is the shot we chose to have 8x10 prints of made that many of the people reading this blog will recieve as a holiday gift.

Arches National Park: Sometimes an Arch Is Just an Arch

And other times an arch is a provocative geological formation from the perverted mind of mother nature. Naughty Girl.
We received a request by the Senate Sub Committee on the Sultry Structures (SCSS) to swing by Arches National Park in Utah to evaluate where public funds should be used to support the tantalizing sandstone structures. The Senate has decided that it’s hard to define geological pornography but that you know it when you see it. Our task was to use our ‘Super Subjective Sense’ to report back to the SCSS on the extent innocent Americans could be corrupted by the provocative protrusions at Arches.

We were very aroused. In our submission to the SCSS, we suggested that some of the more objectionable formations should be dismantled.
But as a whole, the park was breathtaking in a predominantly pure way. Plus if all the formations in Arches were destroyed, Utah would be completely stripped of all stimulation. Yes, perhaps these natural aphrodisiacs should be spared.
We fixed any damage done to the part, redacted selections from our submission to the Senate Sub Committee on Sultry Structures and left the park with a new appreciation for America’s well endowed piece of Earth.

Culinary Capers - In N' Out Burger

Before heading on the last leg of our trip to the West Coast, we needed to pick up our mission objectives, which were hidden at the (in)famous In N' Out Burger in Las Vegas, Nevada. The objectives were encrypted in a top secret language and hidden off of the fast food chain’s standard menu. The In N’ Out Burger menu is fairly straightforward offering only about four items: Cheeseburger, Double Double (Double Cheeseburger), French Fries and Shakes. Behind this fast food front we would find the information we needed with our password of: ****** *****

Ahh, we trust that no one is reading this blog so it wouldn’t be a breach of national security to list the real password: Animal Style. When you say this while placing your order they will serve your burger with a special sauce not too far from the special sauce on a Big Mac except with sautéed onions. Ordering a Double Double ‘Animal Style’ isn’t too uncommon. The real secret lies in ordering your Fries ‘Animal Style’ as well. They come loaded up with the Thousand Island/Mayo based special sauce, sautéed onions, melted cheese and top secret mission objectives necessary to get us to the West coast.



The simple password works because the In N’ Out Burger ‘Animal Style’ French Fries are so disturbingly unhealthy that no person would ever order them. We dismissed any thoughts of our personal health and ate the fries for the mission. When all of the cheese, special sauce and sautéed onions had been mopped up with the last of the fries, we knew our next objective.

Next Stop: Los Angeles… The Windy City!
(Thanks Kevin)