Detour # 4: Santa Fe, New Mexico

The drive from Amarillo, Texas to Santa Fe, New Mexico was one of the most beautiful stretches of land we’ve traversed so far. The diverse terrain made it hard for us to get distracted by the countless DVDs, audio books or XBOX games we brought in the van. We’ve been surrounded by plains in Oklahoma and Texas the past two days but now we are staring at exposed rock faces in mountains, plateaus, random crimson red craters in the earth and rolling hills that expand beyond our horizon as we continue hurdling West with favorable a favorable speed limit of 75 mph.

Fitted with our stylish new cowboy wear we made such great time on I-40 that we decided to make a detour to Santa Fe to see New Mexico’s capital city and famous American Indian Art.

The capitol building is 1/3 government administration space and 2/3 art gallery. It featured paintings, sculptures and tapestries by Native American artists. Downtown Santa Fe is a cool walking city pleasantly littered with more sculptures and historic sites.
We walked through the Historic Plaza where American Indians were selling handmade clothing and jewelry. We tried to go to the Institute of American Indian Art but were sent walking on a trail of tears after finding out they were minutes away from closing.

The Church of St Francis of Assisi was guarded by a bronze Statue of St Francis that made him look more like a gladiator than the founding Friar. Brendan successfully navigated his way through a labyrinth of bricks outside the church but we still weren't granted admittance. St Francis is one tough bugger.

There Worn from walking about a mile (we’ve been holed up in a car for the past two days, give us a break), we searched out some sustenance.

Detour #3 – How Booze Is Made

Nashville was fun. We checked out of our hotel and hit the road for Memphis. Mark heard from someone in Nashville that we were close to the Jack Daniels Distillery. A quick unanimous van vote changed our course and the day to add a detour through Lynchburg, Tennessee to learn how Jack Daniels whiskey is made (last night we found out how it tastes).

Our tour was very informative on both the process of distilling whiskey and the history of Jack Daniels. The tour guide had a thick Tennessee accent and colorful southern twang. Her accent was so twangy at times we were clueless if she was talking about the type of wood they use to make the whiskey barrels or how plants absorb sunlight and convert it to energy in a process called photosynthesis. She thought we had an Indiana accent and that she didn’t have an accent because everyone in her town sounds the same and that all of us “War of Northern Aggression" types sound the same to her. (Except for the accents part, the last sentence was mostly an editorial comment to help paint the picture of how we view southerners).

How Whiskey Is Made:
1) Pick quality wood and build Lincoln log type structures that will be set on fire to form charcoal.


2) Use fresh well water from a cave in a mountain on the Jack Daniels Distillery property.


3) Visit the old wooden house where tour guides talk about Jack Daniels’ life. Maybe this has something to do with the aging process but it wasn’t completely clear. Jack died at the age of 61 after he angrily kicked his safe and got gangrene in his foot. A few bits of his gangrene foot make it into every barrel of whiskey (Drink up!).


4) Something happens with yeast to produce a horrible smell that I don’t recommend you inhale if you imbibed the night before.
5) No Flash Photography is allowed on the tour. The tour guide explained flash photography is bad for whiskey because it spoils the color causing it to look neon yellow like Red Bull rather than dark mahogany brown.

6) Drip the yeast liquid that was not photographed using a flash and filter it through the charcoal. This process is pretty much like using a Brita water filter except it produces sweet sweet booze rather than water.


7) Watch another video about how they make barrels. Each barrel is tested personally by Donkey Kong rolling it down a construction site at Super Mario. If the barrel doesn’t break when it gets to the bottom of the stage (or smashed by Mario with a power mallet), it gets filled with liquid booze. We then learned that due to a communication barrier the color of whiskey actually comes from the wood barrel and Not Using Flash Photography…we still don’t know why we weren’t allowed to use a flash.


8) Watch another video about bottling whiskey. It’s all done by old white women with salt and pepper perms.


9) The barrels are stored from anywhere between 6 weeks to 731 days (Tennessee accent). The master distiller who looks like Baseball Tonight’s John Kruk arbitrarily decides when the whiskey has been in the barrels long enough and then makes the booze available for you to drink and forget all of the problems in your life. It’s unclear why they show you barrels after the bottling process, but who are we to question southern tradition.



10) We were amazed to learn that a space center is located near Jack Daniels distillery, so the liquor stores around the world can get rocket delivered whiskey as soon as Kruk gives us it the ok…the moon landing is a cool feat, but the delivery system brings joy to all, I think this needs more press.
Tip: Don’t visit the Jack Daniels Distillery on a Sunday because no booze is served or sold in Lynchburg, Tennessee even if you take a 2 hour detour looking for a sip.

Next stop: Memphis

Detour #1 – James Madison University

If you are going to travel, you need directions. That’s not a Chinese proverb, just a fact.

Two hours into our trip, it was time for breakfast and to get our travel plans we decided to fill up on Shmiscuits, Schmagels and Shmuffins at Sheetz. After eating, we drove through Harrisonburg to consult a wise bronze mentor, James Madison and receive our official itinerary. Our seemingly simple task of picking up our directions quickly proved harder than expected. James Madison decided to impose a test of ‘worthiness’ and said that “You Shall Not Pass Until You Defeat Me in an Arm Wrestling Contest”. He is a big deal former president guy and now made of bronze both of which make him a formidable opponent even for a super hero.

Thankfully we had been doing our Over The Top road exercises to strengthen our biceps and forearms since leaving from D.C. Those two hours of training paid off as after a 9 minute long back and forth arm wrestling match, Captain America finally pinned the bronze fist of James Madison.

As promised, James Madison turned over the AAA Trip Tix with turn by turn directions for the whole trip.

In a surprising move, he also agreed to let the travelers meet his pet Duke Dog and learn how to be fierce in the face of adversity. Duke Dog nearly bit off Chris’s head but he was eventually tamed.

The travelers received a hand shake and “Good Luck” from James Madison and a nice hard bronze lick from the Duke Dog. Then they loaded back into their van and pushed off on the highway towards Nashville again.