Culinary Capers - Pink's Hotdogs... Suicide Mission

Dead. All dead.

Or at least our heroes were shut down in a food coma for the next 24 hours after eating at the famous Pink’s Hotdogs in Hollywood, CA. They patiently staked out the hotdog stand that has been serving up wieners in Hollywood for the past 69 years. After an hour and fifteen minutes of menu surveillance, we stepped up to the counter and entered the all beef zone. The memory of our waitress was tested with our order but our gastronomic capacity was put to a true test when she returned with two trays of fully loaded hotdogs.

Surrounded with our backs against the wall, our only option was to eat our way out of this beefy predicament. Undaunted, our heroes overcame the hotdog suicide mission albeit wounded in the gut and deeply in need of antacids.

Here is the hotdog rundown:

Matt:
Millennium Hotdog: 12 Inch Jalapeno Dog topped with chili, onions, tomatoes and guacamole
Coleslaw Dog: Standard hotdog topped with coleslaw and BBQ sauce

Dan:
Martha Stewart: 12 Inch hotdog topped with saurkrawt, grilled onions, bacon, tomatoes, mustard and sour cream
Chili Cheese Dog: Standard hotdog with chili and nacho cheese

Mark:
Millennium: 12 Inch Jalapeno Dog topped with chili, onions, tomatoes and guacamole
Stretch Chili Dog: 10 Inch hotdog topped with chili, onions and nacho cheese

Brendan:
Lord of the Rings: 10 Inch stretch hotdog with onion rings and BBQ sauce
Chili Cheese Dog: Standard hotdog with chili and nacho cheese

Chris:
Stretch Chili Dog: 10 Inch hotdog topped with chili, onions and nacho cheese
Spicy Polish Dog: Polish sausage topped with chili, onions and nacho cheese

Lindsey:
Turkey Dog: Standard sized turkey dog with ketchup.

Jock Time: Muscle Beach

The Culinary Capers posts have far outnumbered our Jock Time posts to date on the trip. When we reached finally reached the West Coast, our belts were nearing their last hole and Captain America’s suit was fitting pretty snugly. To blend in with the beautiful people in LA, we hit Santa Monica’s Muscle Beach to work off some of our BBQ sandwiches, steak dinners, camping hotdogs and 11 days worth of many Bronson nights.

We climbed a 30 foot rope and swung on a rings course to embiggen our biceps and back muscles in a sun soaked workout. We took a stroll in the Pacific Ocean to strengthen our lower body by plodding through the waves. Understanding that in LA perception is more important than substance, we spent more time working on our body building poses in front of the Muscle Beach sign than we did actually exercising.

Que Rocky Training Montage Music and get ready to be inspired…

Grand Canyon National Park: Glamour Shots

The real Grand Canyon National Park is a desert canyonland in Arizona where the sun is more oppressive than Mr Furley from Three's Company. Forced to decide between viewing one of the Seven Wonders of the Natural World in person or viewing the Grand Canyon as a canvas backdrop behind us at Glamour Shots in Glendale, AZ, we chose to get pictures of ourselves indoors. Air Conditioning is one of the Seven Wonders of the Convenient World that would afford us to pose in great pictures without worrying about sweatstains.

We had to walk 3 levels in the mall to find Glamour Shots because the elevators and escalators were out of order but it was well worth it. We stopped off at an Orange Julius on the 2nd floor of the mall for refreshing citrus beverages. The photographer was a pro and she kept us entertained with puppets she made talk from behind the camera.

The photographer told jokes to make Chris smile:

Photographer: Knock Knock
Chris: Who's there?
Photographer: Canyon
Chris: Canyon who?
Photographer: Can-yon leave me a nice tip.



The photographer gave us a choice of Grand Canyon backdrops:

The only way to take a bad picture at Grand Canyon Glamour Shots was if you closed your eyes when the flash went off.

This is the shot we chose to have 8x10 prints of made that many of the people reading this blog will recieve as a holiday gift.

Arches National Park: Sometimes an Arch Is Just an Arch

And other times an arch is a provocative geological formation from the perverted mind of mother nature. Naughty Girl.
We received a request by the Senate Sub Committee on the Sultry Structures (SCSS) to swing by Arches National Park in Utah to evaluate where public funds should be used to support the tantalizing sandstone structures. The Senate has decided that it’s hard to define geological pornography but that you know it when you see it. Our task was to use our ‘Super Subjective Sense’ to report back to the SCSS on the extent innocent Americans could be corrupted by the provocative protrusions at Arches.

We were very aroused. In our submission to the SCSS, we suggested that some of the more objectionable formations should be dismantled.
But as a whole, the park was breathtaking in a predominantly pure way. Plus if all the formations in Arches were destroyed, Utah would be completely stripped of all stimulation. Yes, perhaps these natural aphrodisiacs should be spared.
We fixed any damage done to the part, redacted selections from our submission to the Senate Sub Committee on Sultry Structures and left the park with a new appreciation for America’s well endowed piece of Earth.

Culinary Capers - In N' Out Burger

Before heading on the last leg of our trip to the West Coast, we needed to pick up our mission objectives, which were hidden at the (in)famous In N' Out Burger in Las Vegas, Nevada. The objectives were encrypted in a top secret language and hidden off of the fast food chain’s standard menu. The In N’ Out Burger menu is fairly straightforward offering only about four items: Cheeseburger, Double Double (Double Cheeseburger), French Fries and Shakes. Behind this fast food front we would find the information we needed with our password of: ****** *****

Ahh, we trust that no one is reading this blog so it wouldn’t be a breach of national security to list the real password: Animal Style. When you say this while placing your order they will serve your burger with a special sauce not too far from the special sauce on a Big Mac except with sautéed onions. Ordering a Double Double ‘Animal Style’ isn’t too uncommon. The real secret lies in ordering your Fries ‘Animal Style’ as well. They come loaded up with the Thousand Island/Mayo based special sauce, sautéed onions, melted cheese and top secret mission objectives necessary to get us to the West coast.



The simple password works because the In N’ Out Burger ‘Animal Style’ French Fries are so disturbingly unhealthy that no person would ever order them. We dismissed any thoughts of our personal health and ate the fries for the mission. When all of the cheese, special sauce and sautéed onions had been mopped up with the last of the fries, we knew our next objective.

Next Stop: Los Angeles… The Windy City!
(Thanks Kevin)

Senior Pantalones #5 – The Best Offense is a Good Detour

Finally Chris has won the title of Senior Pantalones and evened the score at 1 among all participants. He was responsible for plotting Detour #4: Santa Fe which we all agreed was a great 3 hour break where we got to walk around and take in the culture of New Mexico. Chris also found Tortilla Flats where we ate good blue corn enchiladas for dinner. All around, he did a great job blazing our trail for the day.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief that Dr Feelgood didn’t win the title for the second time so we wouldn’t all be losing to a minivan. When asked why it’s taken him so long before the first time he was named Senior Pantalones, Chris said, “Dr. Feelgood is tough competition.” To celebrate his victory, Chris got a tattoo and like any respectable Senior Pantalones, he didn’t wince in pain once.

Score:
Brendan: 1
Chris: 1
Dr. Feelgood (Minivan): 1
Mark: 1
Matt: 1
Dan: DNP

Four Corners National Monument: A Place of Supreme Significance

It’s widely known that Thomas Jefferson was a huge fan of geometry. So it's no surprise that when they were building the big puzzle of states that forms America, our founding fathers made four of the pieces touch each other forming a perfect X and Y axis. To honor this geographical landmark, a monument has been created to celebrate where Arizona, Colorado, New Hampshire and Utah all touch. Big deal…

Get out, take a picture and get back in the car. This place sucks.

Oh wow! Is that a snow cone stand? I take it all back. This is a national treasure just like South of the Border between North and South Carolina.

Mesa Verde: Where’d the Party Go?

The crew had hit a dry spell of a few days of long drives and they were in need of excitement. We went hunting for the party in Mesa Verde National Park where we’ve heard that the Pueblo Tribe, some of the earliest Americans, has been rocking it for thousands of years. We climbed and hiked 3 miles to find the party and work off some of the BBQ pork and steaks from the trip.

The hike was a harsh reminder that the early Americans used their legs for something other than pressing an accelerate pedal. While staring at amazing landscapes, we pondered the difficult journey early explorers must have had without cruise control.

We found clues in Petroglyphs or rock carvings that the ancient Pueblo tribes had carved into the side of a mountain. Our National Park Trail guide translated the story as ‘House Party’ that went pretty bumpin’ when one of the Corn tribesman’s parents left the city in the mountain alcove for the weekend. The tribesman invited his boys from the Water and Sand tribes over to party with him and a bunch of fly honeys in the alcove. After hearing about this epic party, we hit the start button again and took our hike off of pause to hurry up and join the party.
But alas! The party was dead. Careful investigation of some Park documents led us to deduce that all of the Pueblo people had left this party around the 1200’s. They must have run out of beer.